Brad and I have two computers that we are condensing into one. This morning as I was going through all the files while transferring everything - I came across this gem that I wrote 6 months after Halle died. I really haven't shared a lot of my emotions and feelings with people other than Brad, but I figured since today was her 4th birthday - that it would be appropriate to share how I felt, and still feel about my precious girl.May 5, 2008
As I sit down to write this, I’m not quite sure where to begin. I guess the beginning would be appropriate. To say that my life over the past 2 years has been a roller coaster puts it mildly on the scale. I have had so many days where I’ve asked “why me – why did I have to be the one to have to deal with this,” and other days where I’ve asked “why me – why would you entrust one of your most precious souls to me.” To say that I know love and to know what it feels like to have your heart ripped out of your chest and broken in pieces is a huge understatement to how I’ve felt over the past 6 months. Why you might ask? Because I have had the remarkable privilege and honor of being a mother to the sweetest spirit of a baby girl; My baby girl, Halle Michelle.
When I first found out I was pregnant, I had a million feelings rush through my mind and my heart. I have always wanted to be a mom – the best mom in the world, and I was finally getting that opportunity. Not at the most opportune time, but I was definitely excited. What girl grows up playing with dolls, playing house, and doesn't want to be a mom? Isn’t it a pat answer when you ask a little girl what they want to be when they grow up, don’t they always answer that they “want to be a mom?” Well – I did. I have always had a soft spot in my heart for children. I have loved to be around them, play with them, teach them – and just be there to be their friend. So when I finally got the opportunity to get my chance to have my own – of course I was nervous – but inside I was ecstatic. I was finally going to get what I always wanted.
Yes I was young – I still am – but I wanted that baby so much. As the days kept on….I of course kept getting larger and larger and it was obvious that I was pregnant. And I loved it. I loved feeling her inside of me – and I loved knowing that she was mine. Forever – no matter what.
No matter what – three very simple words to say – but life altering in the very sense of the words. Of course you always hope for the best – and you think that “it will never happen to me.” But it did. It did happen to me – and I definitely have my days when I wish I could go back and change things – and have her back again. Just to hold her one more time, to see her smile, to watch her look at her ever so fascinating hand, to change her clothes to listen to her breathe, to have another sleepless night, to rock her in her chair, to listen to her talk, to listen to her swing sing to her, to lay in bed with her in the morning, to take another bath with her, to smell her, to hold her, to love her and to have her show me that she loved me back. What I would give to have any of those things. I would give anything. Anything.
I never honestly thought it would be possible to love something so small so fast. Someone that you really don’t even know yet because you just met them. And yet that baby meant the world to me. More than the world. She was my hope for brighter days. She was the force making me try harder to do my best, to want to succeed in life, not for me – but for her. She was pure love. The purest love that I could have ever asked for, wished for, hoped for, dreamed of – and I had her. For 11 months. For 11 months my life was full of ups and downs, love and hate, good days, and plenty of bad. And I would give anything to go back to those days. I miss my girl more than I ever thought possible. And I think I knew deep down in my heart that I wouldn’t have her for very long. I think the day in the hospital when she coded blue – I think that might have been when she was supposed to leave to go home to our Father in Heaven. But she didn’t. She stayed. And because of that – I am a better person. A stronger person I hope. But more than anything a changed person. I will never be the same.
They say that time heals all wounds, but I know that the part of my heart that belonged to my girl is gone. She took it with her. It belongs to her, and it always will. And I won’t ever have it back. And I don't want it back. Not until the glorious day when I’ll have HER back. And that day can’t come fast enough.
I hope so badly that she knows how much I love her and I hope that she knows that I am going to be okay. Having just passed the six month mark – it’s crazy how fast the time has gone. I know at first I thought that the time had just stopped. My whole life and my whole world had just been taken away from me. And I wanted it back. But honestly – as much as I want her back – I don’t. I think that my baby would have had a difficult life. As hard as It is for me to face that fact – because I always thought that she was just perfect. Although she had physical ailments, she was perfect. Perfect for me. And I would have done anything for her. Absolutely anything. And as much as my arms long to hold her again, I find true solice in knowing whose arms she’s in.
The peace and comfort that I have felt since she’s been gone has been immeasurable. The church has a new meaning for me, especially the plan of salvation. Growing up a member of the church – I knew that families were forever. But losing my girl has put a whole new perspective on that – and I truly am eternally grateful for keeping myself clean and worthy enough to have done things the right way with all the promises and covenants that let Halle be mine forever. As a mother – you always want what’s best for your child, and what was best for Halle is to be whole. And she is. She is my personal angel and guardian, protector, and someone that is always looking out for me. I have also felt a lot of comfort in knowing that she is up there with my dad and grandma and her other siblings. She truly is in the best hands possible – even if they aren’t mine.
The morning that Halle went home, Brad and I knelt down with her in her room and had one last family prayer and thanked our Heavenly Father for entrusting her to us. I can’t tell you the immense overwhelming feelings that I felt having Brad take Halle in his arms and hold her while he held my hand and we let her go – knowing that it would be too long before we would see her again. I don’t know why things happen to certain people, but I do know that Halle was meant for Me and Brad, and I know that we are better people because of her, and I know that we have been blessed because of it. So on the days it hurts the most, its those days that we're reminded how much we're loved, and how TRULY lucky we are to have had the honor of having Halle.
As I sit down to write this, I’m not quite sure where to begin. I guess the beginning would be appropriate. To say that my life over the past 2 years has been a roller coaster puts it mildly on the scale. I have had so many days where I’ve asked “why me – why did I have to be the one to have to deal with this,” and other days where I’ve asked “why me – why would you entrust one of your most precious souls to me.” To say that I know love and to know what it feels like to have your heart ripped out of your chest and broken in pieces is a huge understatement to how I’ve felt over the past 6 months. Why you might ask? Because I have had the remarkable privilege and honor of being a mother to the sweetest spirit of a baby girl; My baby girl, Halle Michelle.
When I first found out I was pregnant, I had a million feelings rush through my mind and my heart. I have always wanted to be a mom – the best mom in the world, and I was finally getting that opportunity. Not at the most opportune time, but I was definitely excited. What girl grows up playing with dolls, playing house, and doesn't want to be a mom? Isn’t it a pat answer when you ask a little girl what they want to be when they grow up, don’t they always answer that they “want to be a mom?” Well – I did. I have always had a soft spot in my heart for children. I have loved to be around them, play with them, teach them – and just be there to be their friend. So when I finally got the opportunity to get my chance to have my own – of course I was nervous – but inside I was ecstatic. I was finally going to get what I always wanted.
Yes I was young – I still am – but I wanted that baby so much. As the days kept on….I of course kept getting larger and larger and it was obvious that I was pregnant. And I loved it. I loved feeling her inside of me – and I loved knowing that she was mine. Forever – no matter what.
No matter what – three very simple words to say – but life altering in the very sense of the words. Of course you always hope for the best – and you think that “it will never happen to me.” But it did. It did happen to me – and I definitely have my days when I wish I could go back and change things – and have her back again. Just to hold her one more time, to see her smile, to watch her look at her ever so fascinating hand, to change her clothes to listen to her breathe, to have another sleepless night, to rock her in her chair, to listen to her talk, to listen to her swing sing to her, to lay in bed with her in the morning, to take another bath with her, to smell her, to hold her, to love her and to have her show me that she loved me back. What I would give to have any of those things. I would give anything. Anything.
I never honestly thought it would be possible to love something so small so fast. Someone that you really don’t even know yet because you just met them. And yet that baby meant the world to me. More than the world. She was my hope for brighter days. She was the force making me try harder to do my best, to want to succeed in life, not for me – but for her. She was pure love. The purest love that I could have ever asked for, wished for, hoped for, dreamed of – and I had her. For 11 months. For 11 months my life was full of ups and downs, love and hate, good days, and plenty of bad. And I would give anything to go back to those days. I miss my girl more than I ever thought possible. And I think I knew deep down in my heart that I wouldn’t have her for very long. I think the day in the hospital when she coded blue – I think that might have been when she was supposed to leave to go home to our Father in Heaven. But she didn’t. She stayed. And because of that – I am a better person. A stronger person I hope. But more than anything a changed person. I will never be the same.
They say that time heals all wounds, but I know that the part of my heart that belonged to my girl is gone. She took it with her. It belongs to her, and it always will. And I won’t ever have it back. And I don't want it back. Not until the glorious day when I’ll have HER back. And that day can’t come fast enough.
I hope so badly that she knows how much I love her and I hope that she knows that I am going to be okay. Having just passed the six month mark – it’s crazy how fast the time has gone. I know at first I thought that the time had just stopped. My whole life and my whole world had just been taken away from me. And I wanted it back. But honestly – as much as I want her back – I don’t. I think that my baby would have had a difficult life. As hard as It is for me to face that fact – because I always thought that she was just perfect. Although she had physical ailments, she was perfect. Perfect for me. And I would have done anything for her. Absolutely anything. And as much as my arms long to hold her again, I find true solice in knowing whose arms she’s in.
The peace and comfort that I have felt since she’s been gone has been immeasurable. The church has a new meaning for me, especially the plan of salvation. Growing up a member of the church – I knew that families were forever. But losing my girl has put a whole new perspective on that – and I truly am eternally grateful for keeping myself clean and worthy enough to have done things the right way with all the promises and covenants that let Halle be mine forever. As a mother – you always want what’s best for your child, and what was best for Halle is to be whole. And she is. She is my personal angel and guardian, protector, and someone that is always looking out for me. I have also felt a lot of comfort in knowing that she is up there with my dad and grandma and her other siblings. She truly is in the best hands possible – even if they aren’t mine.
The morning that Halle went home, Brad and I knelt down with her in her room and had one last family prayer and thanked our Heavenly Father for entrusting her to us. I can’t tell you the immense overwhelming feelings that I felt having Brad take Halle in his arms and hold her while he held my hand and we let her go – knowing that it would be too long before we would see her again. I don’t know why things happen to certain people, but I do know that Halle was meant for Me and Brad, and I know that we are better people because of her, and I know that we have been blessed because of it. So on the days it hurts the most, its those days that we're reminded how much we're loved, and how TRULY lucky we are to have had the honor of having Halle.
Today is her 4th birthday. And I can't help but think of what we'd be doing to celebrate if she were here. But she's not. And that's okay. I know where she is, and what she's doing, and who she's with - and what's a better birthday than the one she's already having.
So Happy Birthday Hal. I love you more than you know.
Love - Mom
So Happy Birthday Hal. I love you more than you know.
Love - Mom
6 comments:
You have no idea how much I love and admire you. Halle seriously was so blessed to have you as her mom. Love you Meg.
I have been thinking of her all day today. I can't believe she would be 4 today crazy I remember the day she was born, I was patiently waiting for the go ahead to come to the hospital and see that beautiful baby girl. You are the perfect mother for that little girl. Love ya and miss you
Thank you for sharing. As i sit here crying you've truly touched my heart. Call me and we will talk pictures and ultrasounds.
Meg you are amazing. Thank you for sharing that. It makes me more grateful and puts the real purpose of this life into such clear perspective.
can you put a warning before you make your blog audience sob and sob as they read your entries. wish I could be there to hug you. xoxoxox
Oh man, this was incredibly sweet, genuine, loving, true and heart warming. I feel as though my testimony just grew stronger by reading yours about the Plan of Salvation and it's real affect on us down here below. Amazing. Thanks for sharing this.
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