Scars hurt

They say time heals all wounds. But even when those initial wounds are gone - you still have a scar to remind you that the wound was very real. Today my scars hurt. And that's normal. I have my days like anyone else.......and somedays I think to myself that maybe if I don't look at them - maybe they aren't real. But they're real. And as much as I wish at times that they weren't, I'm grateful to have them.
My grandfather passed away on Tuesday - and in preparation for the funeral, a slide show of his life is being put together. I knew I had a few pictures that would be great in the slide show and promised that I'd get them to the right person. So today I got on the computer to find the pictures - and came across these:

Right now - my scars hurt - a lot. I wish I could go backwards in time - just for a few minutes. And if I can't go backwards - just for a day - I'd like to go to the other side and just make sure that she's having fun, learning things, teaching people, being good.......you know - the real things that moms are supposed to do. But I can't. All I can do is look at pictures and try to remember the way she smelled, the noises she made, how good she felt wrapped up in my arms, the stories we'd read, the way my heart felt when she'd smile at me........the list is long.

The more time that passes, the harder it gets to really remember those things, and it kills me. I don't want to forget. I can't. I want to remember. And more than I want to remember - I just want her. Yes I know where she is, and that's comforting. And other days - days like today - it's hard - and its just not fair.

The good times were hard times.

But they were REALLY good times.

Times that I wouldn't change for anything.

And for right here and now - and I want them back.

A Lot.